Empowering Confidence: Part Four

Over the past several weeks, Everly has partnered with Nancy Jacoby, RN, MBA, MHSA, FACHE, PCC — founder of Nancy Jacoby Coaching & Consulting — on a five-part blog series, Empowering Confidence: Why Women Need to Own Their Voice at Work and in Life.

Part IV: Confidence in Personal Life: Setting Boundaries and Pursuing Your Ambitions

Your notifications are pinging.

Dinner is burning.

Your boss wants to have a 9pm call tonight.

Your sister calls and asks you to watch her kids this weekend.

You’re exhausted. You want to say no. You have your own things you want to accomplish; like finishing the paper for one of your grad school classes or writing the second draft of that business plan.

 Yet, you feel guilty for wanting what you want. You feel bad for saying no.

First, those feelings are normal if you are a good human who likes to help people (and most of us fall into that category). Where it becomes a problem is when the give exceeds the take, and the imbalance is leading to burnout, fatigue and exhaustion.

I hear this question from my clients a lot: “I want to say no, but I can’t just say no without a good reason…can I?”  

Short answer? You can.  You may have heard the expression that “no” is a complete sentence. Let that sit for a minute.  No is a complete sentence.

Many of us, especially women, have been socialized to be people-pleasers; that others’ needs are more important than our own; that our worth is tied to how much we do for others. It’s been drilled into our heads to be polite, to be giving, to serve, to be agreeable. For a lot of us, it is a new and uncomfortable pattern to put ourselves first and to say “no” to the things and people that don’t serve our goals and needs.

You don’t need permission to say no, and you don’t need to give a reason or excuse to say no. Setting boundaries is a perfectly acceptable adult response.

So here is how you do it:

1.      Keep it short and to the point. We get into trouble when we start rambling and giving reasons and excuses because we are uncomfortable and we want to fill the silence. Providing reasons and excuses gives the asker the chance to give you a reason why you can say yes. Don’t open that door. Set your boundary and sit with the silence; even if you feel uncomfortable.

2.      Expect resistance, objections and reactions. If saying no is not a routine response for you, know that others are going to react to your new behavior. That’s ok.  Let them react. Their reaction is not about you, it’s about them.

3.      Setting your boundary is not about changing others. It is about what you will choose to do. This may sound like, “I’ve said no. That is my final answer. We can move on to another topic, or I’m going to end this call/walk away.”  And this may feel really hard at first. You may want to revert to what’s familiar and comfortable. Instead, embrace the discomfort of growing into the person who puts herself first, and pursues her own ambitions and goals.

Just as confidence is built with practice, saying no gets easier and feels less uncomfortable the more you do it.

On the flip side, if you should be saying yes to yourself (applying for that grad school program, drafting a first cut of that business plan), but you’re saying no and pulling back, here’s what might be happening.

This is often a sign that our imposter syndrome has joined the chat. We often sabotage ourselves when we start to think about succeeding at something hard. That self-doubt holds us back and the questions that keep us stuck start to surface:

What if I fail?

What if I look ridiculous?

What if I’m just not good enough to do this anyway?

Sure, you might fail.  And yes, you might even look ridiculous.  Anybody who steps ahead and tries anything new is in danger of both things.

BUT: you’re definitely good enough.

Here is how to move forward and pursue those ambitions with confidence:

1.      Call out the fear. Name it. Bring it out into the light and take away its power.

2.      Anchor to your “why.” Why is this goal important to you?  Go down a few levels of “why” to really reach that core purpose and let it inspire you more than you let your fears pull you back.

3.      Break it down. You’ve heard the expression “start small, think big, act now.” Take the smallest step and start there. Make the phone call to the admissions office. Type one crappy first page of a first draft. You started. The hardest part is done.

4.      Keep the right company. The company you keep says a lot about you; and it can also help you (or hurt you) on your journey. Find people who are succeeding in what you’re trying and ask for their advice. Put your ego on mute and take help.

5.      Push away perfection. One of my mentors always said that “perfection is the enemy of done.” A little is better than none. Slipping up means just getting back on track. Making a mistake means learning from it and resetting for next time.

Remember those visualizations?  Put them into play here. Visualize your long-term goal on repeat. Picture yourself in that cap and gown. Think of an image of you signing your first client contract. Those positive visualizations create new neural pathways and thought patterns.  Every time you move forward with confidence, even in the face of self-doubt, you build that confidence muscle for next time.

Next week: We’ll move from setting personal boundaries and pursuing your own ambitions to the how — practical, everyday strategies to build your confidence muscle. In Part V: Building Confidence: Practical Strategies, we’ll break down the mindset shifts, skills, and daily habits that turn intention into lasting change.

Missed the beginning of this series? Catch them here:

Empowering Confidence

Empowering Confidence: Part Two

Empowering Confidence: Part Three